They came in their dribs and drabs for the massed start of the first Bastard Hills of North Bristol ride, but by 10.30am yesterday morning there were 20 cyclists of all shapes and sizes, upon bicyles of all shapes and sizes, gathered beside the Thali Cafe in Montpelier for the start of this ambitious mini-sportif up and down some of the maddest, baddest and downright ugliest hills that Montpelier, Kingsdown, Clifton and Cliftonwood have got to offer.
After the first attempt to organise a group ride had been hampered at the beginning of this year due to the snow and ice, I had ridden the route solo (see what happened here). It was a much more pleasant experience riding in a pelaton, especially as we waited at the top of each hill for everyone to catch up, and that included one rider on a unicyce, one on a recumbant, and two on fixies. On Freemantle Square, we even had a welcome committee.
“I have taken my eight-year-old over some of the Alps,” our erstwhile ride rider Steve L told us all before setting off, “but that’s easier. This is going to be painful. Yes, it’s meant to hurt, but the aim is to have fun.”
There weren’t too many smiling faces up Brook Hill (a true bastard mere yards from the start), Marborough Hill (right) or Ninetree Hill (below). As my thumb to the right clevery points out, however, credit where credit is due to everyone who completed the ride in one piece, especially Pete on just one wheel.
For those interested, the route map from the boys at the Bristol by Bicyle blog can be found here.
After heading down Colston Street, we stopped briefly for a much-needed pit stop on the centre before attacking Cifton via Park Street and Brandon Hill, then dropping down into Cliftonwood, which has some harepin bins worthy of the Pyrenees.
The first ever Bastard Hills ride finished up the very pleasant Bridge Valley Road, which since being closed to cars and open only to cyclists and pedestrians, has become much more friendly. I tucked myself into the shade on the right of the road during the ascent, and thought wouldn’t it have been nice to have chalked my name into the road like the spectators do in the Tour de France. If only my name was Stuart Low.
The finish, after a long and straight final section along Ladies Mile, was at the Downs Tea Room, where we had celebratory ice creams and talked about what the next challenge should be. The Bastard Hills of South Bristol anyone? Those who have attempted to cycle up Vale Street in Totterdown, reputed to be the steepest residential street in England, will know that there are some right bastards that side of the river.
Glad you enjoyed it -and yes, some names painted on ninetree would have been good.
More photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/steve_l/sets/72157624127833816/
holy shish!!! that looks hardcore!!! what sort of pace were you making? did anyone go nonstop?
I’ve been trying to get fit up Bedminster down Road, Rownham Hill and one one occasion, the road up to Dundry. but never all on in day! shite them’s some sore calves
South Bristol has got loads of good hills, i’d be well up for having a go and realising how horrendously unfit I was

wow, Vale Street! That knackered me out just looking at it on Google Maps
Hey, came across your blog whilst searching for pictures of bridge valley road, Bristol. Epic achievement! After reading this article, and discovering you can still walk or ride up or down Bridge Valley Road I’m going to freebord down it tomorrow. I can’t wait! I think it will be easier than riding up it, but maybe I’ll try that one day as well.